I think about you. I reflect on how life would be if you were here. I consider how I was stuck in my selfish ways, what ways you may ask? The ways of doing things my way, never counting up the cost. Never choosing to see the big picture. I was pregnant. I remember the first thoughts I had; I don’t want a baby. I remember saying “I can’t have a child now,” “I’m not ready,” “and I don’t want this baby.” I carried you secretly with so much anger with so much hurt. Never even noticing how selfish my thoughts and feelings were. Until one day it happened. I remember having so much physical pain that I could hardly stand. I was lying in bed while the ultrasound was given. I just remember laying there in pain and thinking to myself what is going on? The doctor came to my bedside and uttered the most devastating words that any mother would want to hear, “well we can’t find the baby’s heartbeat.” I had no words, and I didn’t have a relationship with Jesus Christ but I could remember this one verse from the book of Proverbs 18:21, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” I thought to myself I aborted this baby with the words I spoke to myself, the words I sincerely believed. It’s amazing how just one moment can change your whole perception about life. I suffered silently; there was nothing left to do but to continue the process that I spoke into existence. I was quiet for a while, and honestly, I didn’t know what to do or how to feel until one day I just prayed to God for forgiveness. I prayed and cried until I knew I was truly forgiven because we ask for forgiveness from God, but we sometimes don’t believe he actually forgives us. I didn’t have all the answers, but I knew I wanted my mind to be set free. Free from my condemnation. Free from my religious views. Free from my mental bondage. My freedom came when I realized that God’s love was bigger than anything that I could ever do or think. My total freedom came years later when I accepted Christ in my life, and I believed what the Word of God said in Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” I no longer see my failure, I now see you as a part of my beautiful purpose.